Just Wanna Be Loved

"I just wanna to be loved like everybody else does, I just wanna be loved.... I just want to be loved..."

Am I the only one who is looking for something better, bigger, wider, and higher when it comes to love? I have opened so many doors that were falsely labeled loved and I can honestly say I've had some regrets, but in the end regrets are a part of life and should only serve as learning experiences not something to beat yourself up over.

Now those of you who really know me, know that my saying is " I keep it breezy" which I do, I need to feel the breeze because if I stand still long enough I may end up feeling the heat of pain and I don't want to go through that again, once is clearly enough for me. I honestly thought that my first boyfriend out of college was going to be my husband and I would be working on my first child right now, but God pretty much laughed in my face and reminded me that I don't run anything, I may run in this world, but he clearly runs the world. Who was I to tell God that I was going to be married at 25 and have my first child at 27 and my second at 29. Reality in my eyes is sour and in the end can end up being sweet, just depends on how you "taste" it when you get your taste of reality.
I will always have love for that man that's a given fact but I am no longer "in love" with him. I feel that the 31/2 yrs it took me to get over him shook my whole concept of love and being wanted by someone and really needed. I can say I have issues with love, one little thing can go wrong and I automatically think its over or think I am to blame, never once listening to my instincts or having the common sense and say that the other party was wrong and I didn't do anything but love with ALL of my heart. I know I give all of me quickly (mentally and emotionally) holding nothing back, now I have this ugly shield up scared to let a man know I care deeply for him or that I do want a future with him in fear that those feelings will be taken for granted or abused. I have a lot to deal with when it comes to love, but I do know one thing I WANT IT.
I have a family that I know loves me without a doubt but for some reason and I know I'm not the only one, but I crave for that outside love, love from someone who isn't in a sense "obligated" to love me, not that I think my family feels they are obligated but you feel me. I care too much at times for others when even when things are not being reciprocated, and it hasn't stopped me because we shouldn't care and give in hopes of getting something in return we should do it because we want to yet not be foolish with it . I keep wondering will the day ever come when a man falls in love with me before I fall in love with him, and also how many have I turned away that truly did love me but my shallow ways got in the way. As I get older I just started to live in the moment, and it has seemed to working just fine with me. I am keeping all options open I know what I want and I do my best to think with a clear not lustful head when weighing options and placing men in certain positions in my life. I do know I need to find a God fearing man who knows the Lord, with that being said I need to continue to work on me from the inside out "a woman must be so hidden in Christ, that he must seek him to get to her" each day I do my best to build my relationship with God he is the first on my list of men I love. I have also thought that maybe I have not been blessede with a man yet, because we serve a jealous God and he does not want anyone to come before him and my whole mission on finidn a "husband" hindered me from remembering God is in control.....in the end God will bring the man I am suppose to be with into my life and I pray I am able to see God point him out to me and not get blinded by the outside world or my own judgements. Patience is a virtue and good things come to those who wait. God knows I have been patiently waiting so I know I will be receiving a GREAT man from God.